


Last Surprise

by hereforwords



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Because of course he is, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, POV Uchiha Sasuke, Unreliable Narrator, sasuke’s bird team makes a brief appearance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23773138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hereforwords/pseuds/hereforwords
Summary: "You're alive," Sasuke finally said, half of himself willing the words back inside as the other half battled desperately to say every single thing he could think of, "Someone said that you weren't."OrJust before his final battle with Itachi, Sasuke recieves news that changes nothing and everything.
Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 27
Kudos: 315





	1. Return

**Author's Note:**

> was sitting around thinking about how things could have gone differently with itachi as i am prone to doing and this fic was born

Grief was a strange emotion, tinted with and tangled up in so many others and yet unlike any of them, singular in its weight and its cruelty. Sasuke had always known he would never be able to escape it completely but he'd sworn to himself it would never touch him so personally again, that even if the entire world died around him he wouldn't let himself feel it. It had been so many years since it had last touched him that Sasuke really believed that he'd won, that though it would always be a part of him he would never have to feel the ground crumble beneath his feet again. 

Then the news reached him.

At first Sasuke couldn't understand what he was hearing, waiting for Karin to keep talking, to explain, to make anything about what she had just said make sense, but she didn't. She didn't even look like she realized she'd said anything of note, like it was just another passing comment on the weather or one of her constant complaints about who they were traveling with. She almost looked bored, like she'd already forgotten the words that had just left her mouth, she was so uninterested in it all.

Sasuke couldn't feel his face. "What did you say?"

"Did you know them or something?" Suigetsu asked in a bored voice, letting his fingers turn to water and then back again over and over.

"Karin," Sasuke snapped, hearing how brittle his voice sounded all at once and not even able to remember how to care. 

Karin gave him a weird look, like she couldn't understand why Sasuke was acting the way he was. "I said I heard the Nine Tails Jinchuuriki got killed."

But that couldn't be true. For every reason there was that couldn't be true. Sasuke still couldn't feel his face, but from the looks the both of them were giving him he was showing too much. "What do you mean you heard it? From who? When?"

"So you did know them."

"Shut up Suigetsu, Sasuke didn't ask you–"

"That's rich coming from you when–"

"Stop." Sasuke took a deep breath, telling himself it felt the same as it always did, that he felt the same way he always did, that something inside of him wasn't on the verge of breaking. "Karin, talk."

"I heard it in town yesterday, apparently the village is having a big funeral?" Karin shrugged. "I didn't think it mattered so I didn't stop to listen."

Useless. Completely useless. "Did you at least hear when it is?"

"I think they said next week, but seriously– hey, where are you going?"

Sasuke hadn't even realized he'd started walking away, mind a blur of thoughts he refused to have, that he didn't know how to face, that he doubted he could even find the words for. "Stay here."

"But where are you going? What do you want us to do, just wait here for you? How long are you going to be gone?"

Sasuke didn't bother to answer her and just kept walking, distantly aware that he was doing the last thing he should have been. What he needed to do was stay, Sasuke finally had his team together and there were no more obstacles left between him and Itachi. It was the only thing he'd let himself want for years, the only thing Sasuke knew how to see anymore, the only thing he could let himself see again. Nothing else was supposed to matter. 

But this. Sasuke hadn't planned for this. 

"Sasuke," Karin called out again, "What about Jugo? He's gonna freak out the second he gets back and sees that you're gone!"

Gritting his teeth Sasuke stopped, looking back at them both over his shoulder. "I'll be back by tomorrow morning at the latest, tonight most likely. I don't care what you do until then, just be here when I come back."

Sasuke turned away and started walking again, only able to for a moment more before he gave up entirely and broke off into a run. It was almost like no one was there to see it if neither of the people who actually were understood why Sasuke was leaving. Even Sasuke didn't understand it. All at once it felt like he understood everything even less than he'd always thought he had, and Sasuke had never felt like he understood much of anything at all, especially the things that really mattered. 

This mattered, even if Sasuke hated himself for letting it. It had always been that way between them. It took everything he had left inside not to get lost in thoughts of the last time they'd seen each other, stomach threatening to flip over itself when Sasuke lingered on any moment of it for too long. It wasn't supposed to matter. 

It wasn't supposed to matter.

The idea that it could have really been their last conversation had never seriously crossed his mind, even with all the things he'd done that day. Sasuke honestly couldn't believe it now, some part of him still refusing even the vaguest idea of it as a possible truth. There was just no way, it couldn't have happened without him knowing, without him feeling at least something–

Sasuke refused to consider it, especially when he hadn't even believed it to begin with. Karin was an idiot when she felt like being one and from her tone alone Sasuke had been able to tell she couldn't have cared less about what she'd been saying. It was probably about a different Jinchuuriki, or maybe just another loud fool of a person who wanted to kill one. Karin hadn't heard them right, she just couldn't have.

He would get back to the village, find out he was right and then finally Sasuke would be able to get back to what actually mattered, because it wasn't this.

It wasn't this.

*

Sasuke stood on the edge of the village for a long time, mind racing or maybe just trickling, thoughts moving so fast and so slow all at once Sasuke wasn't sure if he was having a single one. The only thought that rang out clearly in his mind was the only one he knew he couldn't have, the idea that it had even formed in his mind at all close to offensive it was so outrageous. Sasuke couldn't waver now, not when he was as close as he'd ever been. Just standing there was already too big of a misstep, all those hours spent in that town a complete waste of his time. 

He'd heard nothing to contradict what Karin had, but he heard nothing to confirm it either. Whoever she'd overheard had obviously gone, and Sasuke was in the exact same situation he'd been in before stepping foot back into the village hours ago. Night was settling in now and for the first time in years Sasuke had no idea what he was going to do, refusing to actually consider the idea that kept floating across his mind. There had to be some other way, a path that he was blind to right now, some idea that would make all of this make sense.

Sasuke couldn't actually do what seemed to be the only option left to him, the only thing that was clear in his mind amidst the cloudy mass of something that Sasuke refused to look at. He couldn't go back there, but Sasuke didn't know how to move forward now, knowing that this would be living inside of him for as long as he went without answers. He just needed to know. Wanting to know the truth didn't mean he was failing, no matter how the decision left him feeling inside. He just needed to know. 

He couldn't face Itachi with any distractions holding him back. He couldn't face another day with this uncertainty hanging over his head. He couldn't face himself again if he didn't find out the truth. 

Finally moving Sasuke turned, headed towards the one place he never thought he would willingly go again.

*

Sasuke ran for a day before he had to stop and face just how far away from where he was going he truly was. It would be days before he reached the village. Sasuke knew it was a waste of time that should have been grating away at his insides and while it was, it was really the unknown that made the days ahead of him seem so unbearably long. He didn't know what he would do if he had to look back on this time and know that he'd been wrong, that he was running towards nothing at all. 

Even if he was right it didn't make what he was doing any better, basically volunteering himself to the place desperate to get him back, the one place he was desperate never to be again. Sasuke still had no idea what he was going to do when he got there, how he expected to figure out anything at all. But maybe no plan was the best one he could have considering he had no idea what he would be walking into. Sasuke couldn't afford to let himself get hung up on little details that would end up not mattering at all when he finally made it to the village.

The town Sasuke had stopped at for a meal was small and dirty but the food was warm, and even though they shouldn't have been the people were friendly. Almost every set of eyes he met had no mistrust waiting behind them and Sasuke didn't know what to do with that, close to warning them but about what or who he couldn't say, so like usual Sasuke ended up saying nothing at all. He'd been debating getting a room for the night when he'd first arrived but now Sasuke left again the moment his meal was done, unable to stand another smiling face.

He would rather take another night amongst the trees than have to deal with the feeling that was raging between each breath that he took, begging Sasuke for something he could never have again. When he set off back into the trees some distant part of him wondered if he was in the middle of it, if everything was splitting apart around him and Sasuke was just too stubborn to see it, clinging to a certainty he couldn't remember how to feel anymore. Each time his foot touched down against another branch Sasuke felt like more of a fool, literally running towards everything he needed to stay from, but just like every other one he had the thought did nothing to change his course.

He just had to know. It didn't matter if he couldn't explain why. He just had to know.

*

The closer he got to the village the harder it was to remember exactly when he was, trying to cling to the present inside of him when the past was dripping out over everything, straining it all an awful blue. Sasuke hated this place so much he ached inside, only to in the next breath feel so completely desperate to stay he could hardly stand against it, again and again and again, a horrible loop of conflict playing out inside of him. Maybe coming here really had been a mistake, but Sasuke knew it was too late for that now.

He was back.

Sasuke was quietly thankful that for once timing had been on his side and he made it to the edges of the village in the dead of night. It was easier than he'd expected to make his way inside, the thought sending off a ricochet of emotions inside of him Sasuke couldn't look at too closely. If it had been this easy for him to get near the village than anyone could have, and then maybe–

Refocusing Sasuke put all his energy into completely concealing his presence, moving quietly while realizing that he really had no idea where exactly he was going. Or maybe that was just another lie, because the moment after Sasuke looked forward and realized exactly what apartments he was going towards. Sasuke took a moment to send out a silent something into the universe, that at least this one thing had stayed the same, that this at least was still the same place waiting for him after all this time.

The second Sasuke touched down on the small deck outside the window he knew that it was.

Before he could think of a thing at all Sasuke quickly pulled open the window and jumped inside, landing with a quiet sound. He reached out but Sasuke didn't feel a thing, completely alone in the apartment. But that didn't mean anything, not really, there were so many other places he could be than here, so Sasuke didn't need to panic yet, he didn't need to worry at all. Letting out a rough breath Sasuke turned, taking in the small differences in the room around him, wondering how much was really new and how much he'd just never bothered to take note of before. 

Sasuke turned and for a moment his grip on the present was lost, drowning in the past before he forced his eyes away. 

But Sasuke couldn't hold for long and found himself giving in in the next moment and walking over to the desk, picking up the picture he knew too well and had convinced himself he'd forget so long ago. Team seven looked back at him, frozen in time and more honest than Sasuke knew what to do with now. He'd put on so much annoyance for the picture but Sasuke remembered, he remembered exactly the way he'd felt on that day. Sakura and Kakashi looked just the way they should have, and Sasuke couldn't think about that either. 

Naruto looked–

Sasuke flipped the picture down onto the desk, turning away with a rougher motion than he needed to before walking over to the bed along the wall, falling back against it with an exhausted sound he couldn't remember the last time he'd let himself make. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt quite this way, this weighted down but empty inside, lost and exactly where he wanted to be. 

But he couldn't be. Sasuke knew this was everything he'd left behind, and he hadn't made any of it worth it yet. Itachi was still alive, so he didn't get to have any of this yet. His entire family had died in this place, so Sasuke didn't get to ache for it to embrace him again, to have those easy days beneath the open sky that had only ever really been a lie. Sasuke couldn't let himself love lies anymore. Turning his head Sasuke breathed in the pillow beneath him, wondering if Naruto smelled like the cheap soap these sheets must have been washed in. He wondered if Naruto still smelled like anything at all. 

More exhausted than he had any right to be Sasuke let his eyes fall shut, knowing he couldn't stay here and letting it happen all the same. If this truly was the end then for once in his life he wanted to have a moment, to take one small piece of time for himself to hold inside forever, that couldn't be touched by anyone else.

He could give himself this small moment if nothing else, alone and terrified that this was as close as they would ever get to be again.

*

When Sasuke woke up it was dark, red clinging to his eyes and Itachi's voice still ringing in his ears. For half a moment he couldn't remember where he was or why, and then he did and tensed up all over, something in the back of his mind telling him he'd been woken up by something outside of his own paranoia. Sasuke couldn't sense anyone else in the room with him, but a nagging sense of something was pulling at the back of his mind, insisting that he wasn't alone.

Slowly Sasuke pulled open his eyes, rolling onto his back and letting his head turn towards the door. It was only the years and years of training that stopped him from reacting right away and even then, Sasuke could still feel it, the slight tremor in his hand, the way his pulse jumped beneath his skin. 

Sasuke wasn't alone anymore.

Naruto was standing only a few steps away from him, his face almost as dirty as his clothes, clearly just back from a mission. For a long moment Sasuke couldn't think of a thing at all, looking up at Naruto looking down at him, desperately trying to believe this was real, that he wasn't still lost in a dream that would hurt more than he could stand when he woke up. But it seemed impossible that he could imagine Naruto this way, the subtle differences in his appearance, the expression on his face Sasuke couldn't remember ever seeing before now.

This had to be real. He was really looking at Naruto, alive and whole in front of him.

"Sasuke?" Naruto's voice was so quiet it hardly sounded like his own, and even through the dark Sasuke could see just how shocked his expression was. For a long moment there was nothing, hardly even the sound of their breath to fill up the space between them, like they were both waiting for something they couldn't name and had no hope to find.

And then Naruto smiled.

Sasuke forgot himself for a moment, lost and for once right where he wanted to be.

"Naruto," he breathed out as he pushed himself up from the bed and across the room, voice rough with sleep and shaken. Sasuke only had a moment to take in the widening of Naruto's eyes before he was dropping his head down along Naruto's shoulder, wrapping his arms around Naruto's back. A trembling kind of breath came out of him and Sasuke couldn't care. His hands gripped the back of Naruto's jacket too tightly and Sasuke couldn't care. His eyes started to burn and Sasuke still couldn't care. 

Naruto was alive. 

For the first time in his life Sasuke hadn't been too late.

"What happened? Are you okay?"

If Sasuke could still remember how he might have laughed, that now in this moment it was Naruto who was asking. It really must have been nothing at all, Karin must have misheard. Naruto didn't seem like someone fresh off of a brush with death, he felt more alive than Sasuke could remember anyone else ever feeling. Sasuke had never held anyone this way before, clinging more than anything, openly desperate like he never let himself be.

"Sasuke?" Naruto asked again, just as his hand finally came to rest against Sasuke's back, warm and big right between his shoulder blades. 

Slowly Sasuke lifted his head back up, forcing his hands to relax but unable to make himself take a step back just yet. He'd been selfish enough to come here, so he may as well be selfish enough to look up close while he still could. Like giving himself one moment more was more than he knew how to deal with, Sasuke dropped his hands from Naruto's back, one stopping low on Naruto's side and holding onto his dirty jacket as the other moved up to Naruto's collar. It was almost too easy then to move his hand to Naruto's neck, his jaw, feel it move beneath his palm in silent words Naruto couldn't seem to bring himself to say.

Naruto was looking at him like he didn't know how to believe a single piece of this moment was real, but it was an overjoyed kind of disbelief behind his eyes, like finding Sasuke like this was beyond anything he'd ever dared to dream for.

"You're alive," Sasuke finally said, half of himself willing the words back inside as the other half battled desperately to say every single thing he could think of, "Someone said that you weren't."

Naruto's expression went through too much all at once for Sasuke to keep track of, settling on a wavering smile that seemed to not know if it belonged on his face or not. His voice was quiet, his words weak and brittle around the edges. "That's why you're here? Me?"

Even knowing how Naruto would take it Sasuke couldn't bring himself to lie now, nodding his head as he finally remembered himself enough to drop his hand from Naruto's jaw. Naruto's hand fell away from his back then and Sasuke found himself instantly regretting it, already wishing they were back in the previous moment, or the one before, his face pressed into Naruto's neck, clinging to him with everything that he had. Just a breath ago all Sasuke could feel was unshakable relief and now he was already letting the world outside of them dampen his view. 

Sasuke didn't want that. For once he wanted something to just be theirs.

"Are you staying?" Naruto's voice was filled with nerves but still so obviously overflowing with hope that a part of Sasuke wanted to cry. "You're already here, just stay."

"Do you want me to?" Sasuke asked even though it was cruel and he already knew the truth, just so he could hear Naruto say the words again. He just couldn't bring himself to look away from Naruto now, wanting to take him in for as long as he could, Naruto's breathtaking honestly, his terrifying selflessness. 

It made Sasuke want to eat him alive and hide them both away from the world forever, to run as far as he could for as long as he could until Naruto finally couldn't reach out for him. He wanted to save them both and damn them to a hell of nothing but each other. 

"You know I do, it's all I want." 

Naruto sounded as honest as a person could, like his desire to have Sasuke back was an unshakable part of himself. Maybe it really was. Maybe it was just Sasuke that couldn't stand it, the weight of being alone when you knew there was someone out there who felt just the same. Just moments ago he'd still been lost in the fog of uncertainty that he would ever get to see Naruto again, and now there they were, close enough still for Sasuke to feel the heat coming off of Naruto's skin, too much and a pale imitation of what Sasuke really wanted all at once.

The space inside of him that had been screaming out to Naruto for days wasn't silent now like he'd hoped it would be, in some ways it was almost worse, begging him to reach out and touch Naruto again, to do the one thing he knew he never could and just stay. The thought rang out inside of him again and again like a horrible skipping song, again and again, like staying was something Sasuke could actually decide to do.

More than anything in that moment Sasuke wished he could pretend that it was.

"Will you really never give up Naruto? No matter what I do?"

"Sasuke." Naruto's eyes looked endless, like he'd lived a hundred lives, learned a thousand different pains. "You came back here for me, you haven't given up on me either."

An awful part of him wanted to correct Naruto that he could have been coming to make sure Naruto was dead, but even just thinking it felt something close to vile. Naruto was so blindingly honest it felt unspeakably wrong to lie to him now, especially after having told him so many before already. Sasuke didn't know what it said about him that he'd been more honest with Naruto in his life than anyone else, and he didn't even need both hands to count all the words he'd managed to say that had really matter.

Maybe it was just his own buckling emotions around Naruto that left truth over lie tumbling from his mouth, leaving Sasuke never knowing which was which until long after Naruto was gone.

Maybe with Naruto words were never going to be enough.

"Sasuke," Naruto went on, his voice growing in quiet desecration the longer Sasuke remained silent before him, "I won't believe you if you tell me you don't care again, not now. So just stay, just let me help you."

Sasuke couldn't seem to remember how to say a word, lost to the look in Naruto's wide pleading eyes, the way his voice curved around each word he said, the current that seemed to be running beneath it all, begging Sasuke to finally just give in. 

"Please."

Even knowing it wasn't what Naruto was asking for Sasuke leaned in all the same, giving in to the secret want that lived inside of him, the hollowed out space beneath his ribs that never seemed to go away. Naruto let out a harsh breath against his mouth just before their lips touched, clearly surprised, and then Sasuke was kissing him. Even just as a thought Sasuke had so rarely let himself consider doing this that now that he actually was it almost felt unreal, like a moment outside of time that life could never touch.

He was kissing Naruto, hand still twisted up in Naruto's jacket, trying and failing to understand how this moment was real, how he had actually managed to do this. Sasuke pulled back just enough for their lips to part and felt like his nerves were slowly flooding him, like there was a rising water level behind his eyes that was just on the verge of drowning him. He didn't want to ruin whatever was left between them. He didn't want to ruin whatever they could still be. Naruto hadn't kissed him back yet, but he wasn't pushing away either.

Sasuke had to wonder if Naruto even knew how when it came to him. 

"I wish things were different," Sasuke said softly as he pulled back, wondering who he thought he was now that he had any right to say this, "I wish so many things were different."

Sasuke didn't want to hear what Naruto had to say when the look in his eyes already too much. Kissing him again wasn't easy, but Sasuke wanted it so badly he didn't fight himself to try and stop. Already knowing the distance it was easy to reach up to Naruto's jaw again, to let go of Naruto's jack and run his hand up his side. It was too much, so much more than Sasuke should have done considering the lack of anything they really were to each other anymore, but the idea that he might never see Naruto again had struck something inside of him that refused to let go of him now, even though he knew it wasn't true.

Just once Sasuke wanted to have something he wouldn't have to look back on with regret, an honest moment to cut through the endless masks and deceptions of what his life had become. Just once he wanted Naruto to see him in full, no parts hidden away, all the ugly soft corners of his wants and aches there for him to see, ready for Naruto to touch if he wanted. Sasuke was so desperate for Naruto to just touch him back, to give him even the smallest bit, just this once if never again, just a piece of him even if Sasuke couldn't have it all.

"Sasuke," Naruto breathed out when they parted, the confusion and disbelief clear in his voice, "What are you–"

"Kissing you." Sasuke could hardly believe the words as they passed his lips, but for the moment it was like shame couldn't touch him, embarrassment a long forgotten memory next to the need for them to just have this, to just have each other for one small moment.

"But why? We don't– this isn't us." 

"It could be." Sasuke couldn't even tell if he was lying or not anymore, if some horrible part of him was actually considering giving in and being the worst kind of failure that was left to him. Sasuke knew he couldn't stay, but selfishly he wanted to know what Naruto would do if he did, he wanted to know if all of this could really be his. "Could we have this Naruto?"

_Can I have you Naruto? ___

____

____

"You would want that?" Naruto asked, and Sasuke couldn't tell if his voice was mystified or disillusioned. 

"Can I?" Sasuke asked, not sure if the question was for Naruto or himself or something bigger than them both, "Would life really let me want something now?"

"I don't– you're not making any sense." Naruto started to pull away then and Sasuke couldn't take it. "Let's just sit down and you can tell me what happened."

Sasuke didn't want to talk. He didn't want Naruto to keep pulling away from him. He didn't want any of this to be going the way it was. Naruto reached out and pulled on his wrist when Sasuke didn't follow, but Sasuke couldn't let himself be moved now.

"Sasuke," Naruto said as he stepped back in close, pulling on Sasuke's wrist.

"No." Sasuke shook his head, tugging his wrist back against Naruto's hand the smallest bit. "I don't want to talk, I already know what the both of us will say."

"So don't say anything," Naruto pushed out in a rush, dropping Sasuke's wrist and moving to hold his upper arms in both hands instead, "We don't have to talk, just don't leave."

Naruto was so close again, and Sasuke was already so tired of talking. Even just listening to Naruto say they didn't have to talk already felt like too much. Sasuke told himself that it was fine, that he didn't have any words burning up inside of him begging to be said, that there were no years old regrets and still newer longings trying to claw out of his throat the moment Sasuke stopped fighting to keep them in place. He had nothing to say, and even less that he wanted to hear from Naruto. 

"Convince me then," Sasuke said softly, feeling like the worst version of himself the moment he let the words slip out, selfish and needy and empty.

"What?"

"Convince me to stay," Sasuke said again, leaning in even closer as he did, distantly amazed that he could still find new ways to hate himself.

"I–"

"Don't talk." Even though he had just done it kissing Naruto felt so much harder this time, like he was taking something he didn't deserve and knew wasn't wanted. Naruto still wasn't kissing him back and Sasuke could only stand it for a moment more before he dropped his head back down to Naruto's shoulder, letting out a trembling sort of sigh as he tried to figure out who he'd become in this moment. "Please just…" 

Naruto's hands were slowly but awkwardly rubbing up and down his arms, like Sasuke was a wounded animal Naruto didn't want to risk scaring off again. The thought made Sasuke almost want to laugh, maybe even scream, swallowing down the burn at the back of his throat as he blinked faster and faster against the reflection of the feeling in his eyes. Even knowing that Naruto couldn't see him Sasuke still felt the overwhelming need to hide away, but the longer he sat with the feeling the more Sasuke realized it wasn't Naruto that he wanted to hide away from, it was himself. 

The person Sasuke desperately wanted to be for Naruto and the person life had forced him to become were further apart than they'd ever been, and Sasuke couldn't seem to remember how to be either one of them now. He felt sunburnt all over, raw and blistering, like one wrong touch would tear the last bits of his healthy skin away. 

He had no idea how he'd let himself get to this point, back at home and practically begging Naruto to convince him to stay there. Sasuke couldn't believe how badly he'd let himself want this again when he knew it could never work, and that it had less hope of working now than it ever had. Sasuke knew there was no version of his life where he'd stayed and that there never could be one, his family would always be dead so Sasuke would always leave. It didn't matter what a few small changes here or there would have done to the rest of the scenery. 

Grief only allowed Sasuke so much room to move and trying to picture himself without it was like trying to imagine the stars without light, a breeze with no air, an echo without a voice to begin with or ears to hear it when it returned.

Sasuke tried to remember the desperation that had been living inside of him for days, pushing him to come back against all reason but he couldn't now. The only thing Sasuke could seem to feel was his growing resentment, at himself, at Naruto, at everything and everyone that had led them both to this moment. It seemed that after all these years Sasuke still hadn't figured out how to cut it out, that stubborn awful point that lived inside of them both that refused to let them let go of each other.

Even in their inability to forget about one another they couldn't quite match up, blind to each other in the worst ways. 

When Sasuke finally lifted his head he found Naruto's eyes instantly, his open pleading eyes that refused to give Sasuke the one thing he really wanted. The anger that had been so hard for him to find was right there beneath his skin again, demanding and unavoidable, making the decision he'd always known he would end up making. 

Sometimes the only way to escape was to break apart. 

In the moment just before Sasuke's eyes pulled him under Naruto didn't look surprised or even scared, he just looked crushed, like his heart was breaking there just behind his eyes, a private show that was only for Sasuke to see. For a moment Sasuke couldn't tell if the horror flooding him was his own or Naruto's, if the slow aching misery pulling his knees to buckle came from himself or Naruto. Then the grief came and Sasuke knew, just like he'd always known he would.

Sasuke moved Naruto's unconscious body to his bed and jumped out the window, his bones filled with dust. 


	2. Reunion

Sasuke couldn't find the energy to be surprised when he got back and found that his team had gone, it wasn't like they'd had any real ties to each other to begin with. He probably couldn't even call them a team anymore, not when hardly anything had been holding them all together in the first place. Thinking on it now Sasuke really couldn't understand why any of them had decided to follow him at all when the team's only goal had been his own personal vendetta. 

Maybe they really had stayed just for him. Sasuke couldn't decide if he hated the idea or not.

Even knowing that he couldn't afford to Sasuke sat down for a moment, leaning back against the base of a tree. He'd done nothing but run for days and he could tell his body was at its limit, a constant tremble to his limbs now that just wouldn't go away. If he had been worried about anyone else following him Sasuke would have known he'd put enough space between them now to at least rest for a few hours, but it wasn't anyone else, it was the same person who had been chasing him for years. 

After what he'd done Sasuke wasn't sure if Naruto would be running after him faster than ever, or if this was the moment that Naruto would finally stop. 

In the days since he'd left Naruto there unconscious on his bed Sasuke had done everything he knew how to do not to think about what had happened, but the truth of it was always there. Sasuke couldn't deny it now, even if it was only to himself. He'd really thrown away everything, his team and the chance he'd been working towards for years, just to make sure Naruto was still alive. 

Sasuke couldn't tell who he was anymore, if this was who he really wanted to be deep down or if he'd finally just lost his grip on the thread.

The sound of something moving in the trees had him up and on his feet again instantly, heart pounding beneath his ribs as Sasuke looked around. Then a rabbit jumped by. Sasuke couldn't even be relieved because this was just another moment forcing him to confront how on edge he was, how weak his nerves made him for him to be jumping at every little sound, palms sweating at the mere idea of having to face Naruto again so soon. Sasuke could hardly face the idea of having to see Naruto again at all, but he couldn't lie to himself anymore and pretend that it wouldn't happen.

To try and act like Naruto didn't matter now was pointless at best, pathetic at worst.

Even though his body protested Sasuke forced himself to stand back up, knowing that he couldn't just stay there, knowing that he had to make a decision. He had to go somewhere, do something, anything that would put him back on the path he never should have wavered from in the first place. 

Naruto was alive so Sasuke could put him out of his mind. Naruto was alive so Sasuke didn't need to think about a single moment between them. Naruto was alive and so was Itachi, and only one of those things could matter to him now.

Sasuke forced himself to start walking, telling himself over and over again that there was no other choice he could make.

*

Days slowly turned into weeks. Nothing changed. Sasuke wasn't sure if he was waiting for himself or someone else to come along and change it. Everything was too quiet, no leads for him to chase, not even a whisper of activity for him to investigate. Sasuke didn't know where to look anymore, hardly even knowing what to do with himself day after day now. Sometimes he was convinced Itachi knew and was hiding from him. Others Sasuke wondered if he was even looking for Itachi at all, if it had ever been anything more than another lie he told himself each morning so that he could make it through the day without tearing himself apart.

In the end all of it came back to Naruto. Sasuke couldn't focus because he couldn't relax, and he couldn't relax because he couldn't sleep, and he couldn't sleep because Naruto refused to leave him alone, even when he wasn't there, even when it was really just Sasuke who couldn't stop thinking of him. It seemed like all that was left of him that felt real anymore were all the parts that Naruto had touched, all the corners of his emotions that Sasuke hadn't let himself look at in years. All Sasuke wanted was to go back to a time when he could look up at a clear blue sky without feeling the empty space next to him. 

He couldn't even find the energy to remember that he was only allowed to want one thing anymore. 

Sasuke hadn't meant to end up at the same overly friendly village from before, but then again maybe he had, and at this point it didn't seem to matter much at all where he ended each day. It was just as good or bad as anywhere else would be, and Sasuke already knew that he liked the food. Everything was just as Sasuke expected it would be up until the moment he went inside to rent a room for the night.

The guy behind the counter was looking at Sasuke more than he needed to be, but he didn't look that much older than Sasuke was so it wasn't that surprising. Most people around his age looked at him for one reason or another so he didn't think much of it, or at least he didn't until his money was taken but no room key was given back. Sasuke raised an eyebrow, already done with this conversation before it had even started.

"Can I ask you a weird question?" The guy behind the counter asked, smiling an awkward but practiced looking smile. Sasuke could see right away that he was one of those people that was used to everyone liking them. It was there behind his eyes if you knew how to look, the truth that he wasn't really asking because he felt like it was a question that needed to be said, he asked just to show how nice and considerate he could be by doing so.

Sasuke didn't bother to hold back the expression forming on his face. "No, you can't. Give me my room key." 

The smile looking back at him fell away for a moment before coming back again. "Sorry, I just– well it's weird so I'll just say it. We had another guest tell us his younger brother would be checking in, and the description matches you perfectly." He leaned in across the desk then, dropping his voice down to a whisper even though there was no one else in the room with them. "I know it's not the name you put down, but is your name Sasuke by any chance?"

Sasuke's hand was around the man's throat before either of them could blink, lost to himself and the space around them. It sounded like the ocean was rushing behind his ears, waves crashing into him again and again, an unseen bird flying just behind him, waiting for the first chance to swoop down and peak out his eyes. Sasuke almost spoke aloud before he remembered that he didn't have to, in the next moment wondering at just how shaken he'd let himself become at the mere suggestion of what those words could mean. 

This should have been a happy moment for him, and if not that then at least a reaffirming one, but the feeling rapidly growing and eating its way up his insides was raw in the way only pure awful emotions were, grief and horror twisted together too tightly to ever be parted again. Then Sasuke looked inside the other man's mind and realized he'd only brushed against the smallest corner of everything he could feel now.

Itachi was upstairs. Itachi had booked a room for a week three weeks ago and still hadn't left. He'd told the front desk he was waiting for his younger brother, that they both were coming from far off so it might be awhile before Sasuke arrived. Itachi left a message behind to be given to Sasuke when he arrived. 

Even as just a reflection of someone else's memory it was still the longest he'd heard Itachi speak in years, and even longer still since it had been something like that. Sasuke hadn't heard Itachi sound that way since he was a child, and he didn't know how to hear it now, completely stuck inside. The words were playing on loop in his head but Sasuke couldn't believe them, knowing that they couldn't be real, that after all this time his brother couldn't stand there and speak with that vaguely pleasant look on his face, like he was actually a real person inside.

His brother was nothing more than rot given flesh, an abomination, a mistake that had fallen onto Sasuke to fix because there was no one else left that the rot hadn't destroyed. 

Sasuke wasn't even breathing but he could still hear desperate gasps for breath in his ear. Then his eyes finally focused again, taking in the red face and desperate gasping mouth and remembering all at once his hand still wrapped around a throat. Sasuke tore his hand away like he'd been burned, swallowing down bile at the disgust crawling up inside of him, ignoring the sound of the man on the floor coughing and gasping for breath. He could barely feel his legs.

There was no chance Itachi hadn't sensed him arrive.

Sasuke couldn't blink without seeing Itachi's face, still so fresh in those memories, somehow older and younger than Sasuke always pictured him. He couldn't feel his legs. Sasuke's throat was burning now and for a long irrational moment he was convinced that the building was on fire, that there was smoke in the air that was filled with the screams of the people trapped above them, but then he took another breath and Sasuke remembered it for what it was, just another memory.

The past was waiting for him now upstairs, and though Sasuke couldn't understand it he couldn't ignore it anymore either. Stepping around the person still on the floor Sasuke walked up the stairs on unfeeling legs, clenching his hand into a fist again and again, waiting for the feeling to reach him and knowing that it never would.

*

One of Sasuke's earliest memories was of crying. He couldn't have been more than four, sitting on the ground in tears over something Sasuke had long forgotten. It was the moment after that had always mattered, the moment that had comforted and haunted him in equal measure as the years stretched out between them. It was the first time Sasuke could remember feeling the pure relief of knowing that he would be okay. 

"Little brother," Itachi had said, his voice quiet and full of concern, "What happened? Don't cry."

"Little brother," Itachi said now as Sasuke closed the door behind him, voice quiet and devoid of anything at all, "You finally made it."

Sasuke had worried with his entire being on the way up the stairs what would happen to him when he finally came face to face with Itachi again, if he would crumble to pieces, if he would scream, it he would burn the building to the ground just to be sure every last piece of them both was finally gone, but it seemed he'd worried for nothing. Sasuke still just felt like Sasuke, and he knew exactly who he was looking at. He was looking at Itachi.

He was looking at the man who had killed their family.

"I made it."

Itachi inclined his head towards Sasuke just a bit more but beyond that he didn't move from where he sat leaned back on the bed. He looked awful, not at all how he'd seemed in the memories Sasuke had just looked in on. His complexion was off, and even from across the room Sasuke could see the sweat clinging to his skin. He looked sick, unavoidably so, the way people looked walking into the hospital who knew they were never going to leave again. 

He looked pathetic. He looked weak. He didn't look like himself at all.

Sasuke laughed, feeling the first crack take hold inside of him. "This? This is what you're going with? Really?"

"I'm not–" Itachi broke off into a cough, so rough that just the sound of it made Sasuke's chest sting. When he dropped his hand from his mouth Sasuke could see blood on Itachi's palm, and then all at once Sasuke was done.

"Stop!" Sasuke yelled, so angry he couldn't take it, just as angry as he'd always been and finally looking at the one person responsible for it all. "Stop playing games and fight me."

But Itachi just coughed for another rough moment, his entire body shaking with it before he dropped his arm back to his side, breath labored and visibly exhausted. He had to swallow still a few more times before he managed to get the words out. "You're too late."

Liar. "You're lying." Itachi was fine. "You're _lying _."__

____

____

Itachi looked at him for a long moment and Sasuke felt each breath he took try to break him apart inside, crack, crack, crack. Then Itachi smiled, a barely there thing along his mouth and Sasuke couldn't take it, shaking his head but for some reason unable to make himself look away. Itachi wasn't defending himself at all, and this wasn't an illusion no matter how hard Sasuke looked. Itachi just sat there, thinner than Sasuke had ever seen him and visibly struggling for breath. He looked like he was moments away from death, like a pathetic thing that was too weak to even ask for help.

Sasuke couldn't stand looking into his sunken eyes anymore and looked down at the floor between them, trying to form a thought that was anything more than just a mindless formless cry. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be–

"No." Sasuke moved his hand to the hilt of his sword. "You're lying. Get up and fight me."

"Sasuke–"

"Shut up."

"Little brother–"

"Don't call me that." Sasuke couldn't remember closing the distance between them or pulling out his sword but he found that he'd done both, the tip of his sword pressed to the middle of Itachi's chest, just below his protruding ribs. "Fight me."

But Itachi still didn't do a thing. He almost looked sad, and Sasuke hated him so much for it he could hardly stand against the weight of it for a moment, his vision going hazy around the edges. It was a joke that held no humor for Itachi to look at him with pity in his eyes when Itachi had become the most pitiful thing a person could turn themselves into. He wasn't even really a person at all anymore.

"You disgust me," Sasuke snapped, pressing the sword harder as he grew more desperate for a reaction that never came. None of this was real and they both knew it, and he refused to play into Itachi's game now. He refused to have any part in this, he wouldn't let himself be made into a fool again. 

Sasuke stabbed his sword through all at once, closing his eyes for a moment when blood splattered across his face. Itachi made a choked sound followed by a horrible wheezing gasp for breath. Slowly Sasuke opened his eyes just as blood started dripping down onto his hand, heavier and heavier drops each time. It even smelled just the way fresh blood was supposed to, clinging to the air until it was the only thing left.

But Itachi would have been able to make all of this seem this real, that was the point. That was the reason all of this had happened, and all for just a bit more power to see the world with. It didn't matter that Itachi's eyes were still just black, growing damp and less focused the longer he looked up at Sasuke. The sadness behind them wasn't real. The blood coating Sasuke's hand now wasn't real. Itachi's horrible uneven gasping breaths weren't real. 

The horror rising up inside of him wasn't real.

"Stop!" Sasuke shouted as he twisted the blade in Itachi's chest, watching his body weakly convulse. "I know you, I know this isn't real."

But nothing changed. Itachi coughed and blood stained his mouth. His eyes looked more grey than black now, skin losing what little color it had left. "I had something to tell you, but maybe it's better this way."

"Shut up." Sasuke blinked and his eyes were wet. "Shut up." 

This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. Sasuke was owed a fight, a battle, anything beyond this echo of a death that Sasuke still didn't know how to believe. Itachi wasn't supposed to die like this, Sasuke hardly even felt like he'd killed him. Looking at Itachi now was like looking at a wounded animal you came across in the woods, twitching on the ground and clinging to its last breath. A kind person would put it out of its misery, but Sasuke hadn't felt kind in a long time.

Sasuke twisted his sword, looking so hard at Itachi his eyes ached, less convinced by the moment that he knew what was happening at all. Maybe he never had. After all this time, all the years cut off from what small comfort life still had for him Sasuke couldn't believe it was really ending like this, this simple and easy. Sasuke couldn't have really just walked in and stabbed him like it was nothing, killing him as easily as it was to fall into dreams each night. This moment should have been a dream, a nightmare, a waking vision, anything but what Sasuke was realizing with a dawning sense of horror it was. 

His brother couldn't really be bleeding out before him, dying by Sasuke's hand in definition but not in truth, not in the way his soul had been screaming out for. This couldn't be the end and yet. 

And yet.

"No." Roughly Sasuke pulled his sword out, hands shaking like he'd been trapped in the cold for days as he reached out to try and stop all the blood, like he could press it back inside somehow. "No. Not like this."

His hand slipped and Sasuke pressed it against Itachi harder, feeling how thin and brittle he was, like Itachi had already wasted away. This couldn't be happening. It couldn't be. The pointlessness of it all struck him so profoundly Sasuke didn't know how he was still there, what cosmic joke had grabbed hold of him and decided to never let go until there was truly nothing of him left. Sasuke had thought about this moment constantly, tirelessly, a moment bigger than conscious thought at all, so well worn that the idea of it was as much a part of him now as his bones, his skin, his stubborn heart that continued to beat day after day. 

Sasuke had never imagined it like this.

This was the moment he'd fought towards for years and Sasuke was meant to be filled with righteousness, certainty, even just a passing moment of peace would have felt like enough after all this time. Instead Sasuke just stood there frozen on the inside while he shook apart on the outside, watching his brothers blood coat his fingers and slowly drip down his wrists. It didn't feel like he'd avenged his family at all, it just felt like he was watching the last bit of it disappear forever.

He wasn't supposed to feel like this. 

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

Sasuke wasn't supposed to look at the man bleeding out before him and see anything at all, let alone this. He couldn't stand the idea that he'd let this feeling live inside of him all this time, after everything Itachi had done, there was no way Sasuke had fresh grief rising up inside of him now.

"Don't cry for me Sasuke." Itachi's voice was hardly there at all, breath so awful Sasuke could hear the rasp of it in between each word he said. "Nothing's changed."

Sasuke shook his head, too overwhelmed to even know why when every word Itachi said was true. But he couldn't be. No moment this awful could be right. Even Sasuke could only hold back tears for so long before something inside of him gave way.

"Why?" Sasuke cried out in desperation, now and in the past, the only question that after all this time he'd never been able to escape from. After all these years, all the countless hours of his life spent thinking of nothing else and Sasuke still couldn't begin to understand it. "Why Itachi? What was the point? What was the point when this is how it ends?"

_Why did you have to take this from me too? ___

____

____

Itachi didn't say a word. His eyes were unfocused now, like he couldn't see Sasuke right in front of him. Sasuke moved one hand from his wound to shake him and all Itachi's head did was fall slightly to the side. Sasuke held both his arms in his hands and shook him again but there was still nothing, no resistance of any kind. Sasuke tried to remember when the last time it was he'd heard Itachi cough. 

Itachi still hadn't blinked this entire time. 

"Hey," Sasuke forced out as desperation flooded him, "Itachi. Itachi."

Itachi just kept sitting there, lap full of his own blood, watching Sasuke with his unseeing eyes. 

_Crack. Crack. Crack. ___

____

____

It took a moment for Sasuke to realize the awful sound filling the air was coming out of himself, a sob that didn't know how to begin or end. Sasuke covered his mouth only to taste the blood all over his palm and tear it away again, bile rising up in his throat. Itachi was still right in front of him, covered in blood and looking back at Sasuke was dead eyes, unseeing weapons that were now nothing more than flesh beginning to grow cold. 

It was over.

Sasuke was looking at the one sight he'd been dreaming of for years, the one thing that had forced him to keep moving forward when all he'd wanted to do was give up. Sasuke waited, knowing that it had to happen any moment now, but nothing changed. Forgetting himself he rubbed a hand across his eyes and even still, blinking his brother's blood from his sight he still felt just the same. Itachi was still just sitting there, watching him in the suffocating silence. 

And still, Sasuke felt nothing.

"Why were you even here?" Sasuke knew there would be no response but braced himself for one all the same, disgusted with his own disappointment when Itachi was still just as dead as he'd been in the moment before. 

He was really dead. 

Sasuke blinked and found himself shaking, trembling all over, like he was heaving only to find he was completely empty inside, like he was crying only to remember he'd lost his eyes long ago. It was a staggering, singularly awful feeling, and all at once Sasuke realized he only had himself to blame. Sasuke was the fool who had let himself think doing this would change a thing at all, when the one thing that life should have taught him by now was that nothing ever changed, not really, not when you actually needed it to.

Sasuke's family was still dead, and he was still alone. He'd never imagined that the feeling could get worse but this moment didn't lie, crushing in its familiarity and damning in its honesty. 

He was lost.

He was alone.

Nothing had changed.

Everything was so much worse.

*

Naruto found him a few days later, a couple hours outside of town sitting beside the last small embers of a fire, ash in a heavy pile next to Sasuke's feet. For a long moment all Sasuke could do was look at him, trying to remember how he was supposed to react in this situation. Then again, that probably didn't matter much at all anymore. Suddenly so many things didn't seem to matter one bit, and Sasuke was too numb to know or care why. The ashes in front of him told him why.

It was probably odd that Naruto hadn't said anything yet. The way he was looking at him didn't quite sit right with Sasuke either. "Aren't you going to say something?"

"Yeah." But Naruto didn't go on right away, pulling a dumb face before he finally spoke again. "What am I supposed to say?"

All at once Sasuke's eyes were burning, and he couldn't really even understand why. Naruto looking so casually nervous wasn't something he should have wanted to see, but it was a look Sasuke had seen so many times before. It wasn't an expression Naruto had ever worn when he'd been seriously worried, and Sasuke didn't know what to do with that. Either Naruto was at ease or somehow this really wasn't that important to him at all. Or maybe Naruto just wasn't a person prone to worry. 

Maybe after all this time he really did still just believe in Sasuke that much. 

Naruto walked over to him then, side stepping the ashes with an obvious look of discomfort before dropping down in the dirt to sit beside him. Sasuke was forced to remember just how much he couldn't stand Naruto sometimes. "You're supposed to say what you always say."

"But this is a first, so I should say something new, right?"

"What do you mean a first? A first what?" Sasuke hadn't meant to speak, but Naruto's ability to make less sense than anyone he'd ever meant pulled the words from him. It felt ridiculous to care about this now, to care about anything now, but like always Naruto was different. If he only let that be true to himself it was okay. 

"This is the first time you're gonna agree to come back." Naruto looked over at him with a confidence behind his eyes Sasuke couldn't understand, still smiling at him despite everything. "I should say something else."

Being struck momentarily mute around Naruto wasn't a new feeling, but it being quite this overwhelming was a first. Sasuke had no idea what his face was doing, blinking faster and faster against his burning eyes, against the impossible brightness of Naruto's smile. Sasuke looked back at the ashes before him. "What if I don't agree? Will we fight again?"

"I won't let you leave," Naruto said, an answer and a lack of one all at once.

"Why?"

"Sasuke, you know–"

"This is the part where you say something different." Sasuke tore his eyes away from the ashes and looked back at Naruto. "Don't tell me it's because we're friends again."

"We're not friends." Naruto wasn't quite smiling anymore. "You're my person."

The wind picked up and rushed past them, and Sasuke couldn't tell if it was the ash in his lungs that stole away his breath or Naruto's words. Then Naruto's hand came to rest over his own and Sauske knew. 

"I'm you're person too, right Sasuke?" Naruto's hand left his then and reached up to touch his jaw, his cheek, moving to hold the back of his neck. "Right Sasuke?"

Sasuke tried to nod but he felt frozen, in shock or in indecision he couldn't tell. The wind was so loud all around them now, and a crow had started to scream in the air above just them.

_Caw! Caw! Caw! ___

____

____

"Right Sasuke?"

_Caw! Caw! ___

____

____

"Sasuke?"

_Caw! ___

____

____

Sasuke woke up on the ground, neck bent at an awkward angle against the base of a tree. When he looked up there was a bird on the branch lowest to the ground, head pointed down and seemingly staring back at him. For a moment he thought about doing so many different things, in the end just hitting the tree and watching it fly away. It hadn't even been the right kind, small and grey and fragile, but Sasuke still hated it on sight.

It felt like he would hate anything who dared to look at him right now. 

With a rough sound Sasuke pushed himself up from the ground, ignoring the thing wrapped in fabric beside him. Sasuke knew it needed to be today, but he didn't have to think about that now. One of the things he'd closed to mastered over the years was doing something while not thinking of it at all, completely separate from himself. But maybe that had always been the problem. Either way, it was too late to change anything now. 

It was always, always too late. 

The sun was low in the sky and Sasuke wondered if he'd hardly slept or slept much too long. By the time he'd gathered enough wood for the fire the sun had left the sky, the silence heavy all around him like it only ever was in the dark. There was a light breeze moving through the trees, brushing the leaves and thin branches against each other until there was a constant low sound of rustling all around him. It felt even more impossible to relax than it normally did. 

It took a moment for Sasuke to decide when it was positioned right, not wanting the wood to fall at an odd angle and suddenly leave him with a spreading fire to deal with. If he was going to set some place ablaze his first choice would never be the woods. At first it was just like watching any other fire, oranges and reds flickering about, but then the flames really caught, slowly starting to burn the sheet away. Even in death Itachi hardly looked changed, maybe just a bit paler than before. 

Then the flames started to take him. 

Sasuke knew he should have looked away, that he was seeing something he would never be able to forget, a memory he was sure he would grow to despise, but he could hardly even bring himself to blink. The smell of it was awful in a familiar sort of way, not that different from all the other cooking meat he'd smelled before in his life. His stomach flipped over itself, but Sasuke was able to breathe through the hollow sick feeling inside of him.

The air had shifted from a gentle breeze to full blown wind, pulling the flames higher and higher with it. The heat of it was burning his face now too but Sasuke couldn't step back, he couldn't even bring himself to look away. All he could seem to think of was that he should have at least closed Itachi's eyes. 

It was just one more thing. 

The wind was so loud now Sasuke had to tense up all over just to stand against it, hardly able to think at all with that obnoxious bird back again.

_Caw! ___

____

____

Sasuke tried to focus on the moment, knowing that this was one of the big ones that should have mattered. All he could think of was his burning smoke filled nose, the awful sound of the tree beaches slapping against each other above them. 

_Caw! Caw! ___

____

____

The wind was moving his hair constantly back and forth in front of him, quick and dark and hiding everything but the vague impression of fire from his view.

_Caw! Caw! Caw! Caw! ___

____

____

Sasuke couldn't see a thing at all.

_Caw! ___

____

____

There was nothing.

_Caw! Caw! ___

____

____

Sasuke wasn't sure how long he'd been walking for. His feet ached like it had been too far, but every part of him ached so Sasuke just ignored it. He had to ignore just about everything. He couldn't tell if time had lost its meaning or if he was finally just feeling it like everyone else did, endless in its pointlessness and a blink in the face of everything that mattered. Sasuke couldn't remember a time he'd ever felt like he'd mattered less.

Not knowing where he was beyond the woods Sasuke finally let himself come to a stop, struggling to understand what had been pushing him to keep moving all this time. 

He was just so tired.

He just needed to sleep, even just a bit, and Sasuke knew he could keep it together again. 

He just needed the smallest bit of sleep.

_Caw! ___

____

____

The crow fly circles above him seemed to agree.

Caw!

Sasuke woke up to a hand on his shoulder and a quiet familiar voice saying his name. He was half a moment from a fight before he realized he didn't want to fight, not now, not when Sasuke still felt so exhausted that even the thought of pulling his eyes open felt close to unbearable. 

"Sasuke," the voice said again, and Sasuke found himself opening his eyes anyway.

Naruto looked clear like nothing had in days, bright and crisp and real. His eyes were fixed on Sasuke, still the bluest thing Sasuke had ever seen. He hadn't been able to in days, but all at once Sasuke's eyes started to water again. "Hey Naruto."

Naruto's expression turned worried, his hand squeezing for a moment where it still held Sasuke's upper arm. "Are you okay? Are you hurt? What happened?"

Then the bird yelled above them.

_Caw! Caw! Caw! ___

____

____

Sasuke sat up with a disgusted sound, jerking off Naruto's hand as he pushed himself up to stand. 

_Caw! Caw! ___

____

____

"Shut up!" Sasuke screamed, the sound of it still ringing in his ears, "Stop screaming!"

"Sasuke, who are you yelling at?"

_Caw! Caw! Caw! Caw! ___

____

____

"Stop!" Sasuke yelled again, half a moment from just killing the bird all together when it flew out of the tree and away. When Sasuke turned back Naruto was looking at him like he'd grown another head. "I don't like that bird."

"Okay," Naruto said slowly before taking a small step towards him, "Well it's gone now."

_Caw! Caw! Caw! ___

____

____

Sasuke spun around but he didn't see the bird anywhere. His ears wouldn't stop ringing.

_Caw! Caw! ___

____

____

"Sasuke?" Naruto sounded so soft, so awkward in his concern.

_Caw! ___

____

____

"Can't you hear that?" Sasuke asked, suddenly tense and terrified. His breath went sharp and heavy and Sasuke turned, unable to stand the silence as he waited for Naruto's answer. But Naruto wasn't there.

_Caw! Caw! Caw! ___

____

____

"Naruto?" Sasuke called out, turning and turning and turning, but he was alone. 

_Caw! Caw! ___

____

____

Naruto was gone. 

_Caw! ___

____

____

He was alone.

Sasuke didn't know where he was. He knew it had to be in the fire country just because of the landscape, but beyond that he really couldn't say. It felt like he should have crossed any of the forests that this could have been days ago, but he couldn't even be sure it really had been days. Sasuke wasn't sure he could feel sure of anything anymore. He'd never really trusted himself, but the way it felt now was new, a different kind of mistrust that left him queasy and irritated inside.

He kept waiting to run into someone else, anyone, but he continued to be completely alone. Besides the birds he couldn't seem to escape from Sasuke hadn't even seen any other animals. 

_Caw! ___

____

____

It was like the waste of space could sense the exact moment Sasuke wanted it to appear the least.

_Caw! Caw! ___

____

____

"Say something else!" Sasuke yelled, empty and exhausted, so tired of nothing but that grating awful cry he couldn't stand it anymore. 

_Sasuke! ___

____

____

Sasuke turned, heart racing and lungs stopped, only to jerk back at how close the bird was, seemingly floating on the air right before his face. It's small black eyes looked back into his own, and Sasuke felt exposed all at once, flayed down to the bone with his rot shown to the world. It's beak slowly opened then, just as black on the inside as it's feathers were on the outside, and Sasuke could only feel his own terror.

It made a sound that wasn't like any it had made before, ear splitting and horrifying, bringing Sasuke to his knees before he could think, hands over his ears in pointless desperation. 

Realizing it had been a word all along only made everything so much worse.

_Last! Last! Last! ___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who ordered a murder with a side of messed up dream sequences, your order is ready


	3. Remember

Sasuke was standing alongside a river, watching the light from the setting sun catch and reflect against the water when he sensed someone approaching. Sasuke glanced behind him just long enough to see orange before he looked ahead again. He'd lost count of how many times Naruto had found him now, and all of them had fallen like sand through his fingers. Sasuke didn't have it in himself to react again, to go through the motions when he knew there was no point.

Naruto wasn't really there, and Sasuke was slowly starting to accept that he had lost whatever loose grip on his sanity he had left. At least all his mind seemed to want to show him was Naruto. Seeing him again and again like this was almost nice after everything, especially when Sasuke knew just what his mind could have spit back out at him to see. 

"Sasuke," Naruto finally said from behind him, sounding more nervous than any version of him had so far. 

Maybe this time would actually be different. Sasuke turned before he could really consider it, finding a Naruto who looked so wracked with anxieties there was something like a glare on his face. Sasuke couldn't help the way he tensed all over, already so used to the sight of Naruto's smile waiting for him that he'd actually been expecting it. Sasuke didn't know what to make of this now. 

Naruto's mouth turned into an even tighter line before he spoke again. "You look–" the words just hung there for a moment, Naruto staring with his mouth hanging open like the knowledge of how to speak had left him all at once "–what happened?"

Sasuke felt like he had already had this conversation so many times he didn't have it in himself to be anything but blunt. "Itachi's dead."

Naruto's eyes widened, finally shutting his mouth as a look came over his face Sasuke didn't know how to read. "How?"

Sasuke shrugged. "It doesn't matter."

Naruto took a step towards him, and then another. There was a cautious sort of hope behind his eyes now, close enough that only a few more steps would have brought them together. "You look tired."

Sasuke didn't know what to say to that. That wasn't what Naruto usually said to him, and the way he was looking at him was still distinctly other. For the first time Sasuke considered the possibility that Naruto was actually there, that this wasn't just another dream he didn't know how to recognize anymore. "I haven't been sleeping."

Naruto took another step closer. Sasuke's chest felt too tight, like each breath he took only left him with less space on every exhale. He knew he was supposed to fight this, but the reason just wasn't there anymore. Fighting this felt pointless now. Fighting anything at all felt pointless now. He felt pointless now. 

The only thing that he knew for sure was that he wasn't pointless to Naruto. Sasuke couldn't seem to escape how much he mattered to Naruto.

"I messed up," Sasuke said softly as he looked down at the dirt, finally too tired to care if this was real or not, "I think I made the wrong choice."

Sasuke listened to Naruto's steps shifting the dirt as he closed the distance between them, trying to match his breath to the sound of the water against the rocks in the river. When Naruto was close enough for his legs to come into view Sasuke finally looked up again. 

"Nothing is over yet." Naruto finally smiled at him, small and unsure but there. "Just come home."

Could it be a home if everyone was gone? Could it be a home if Sasuke couldn't remember how to recognize himself there anymore? Could it be a home to him when Sasuke had done nothing to deserve it?

"Everything is over. That was the only thing." His chest felt like it was about to collapse in on itself. Sasuke didn't know how he was still talking at all, how he managed to keep his hands from shaking at his sides. "It wasn't right. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He ruined it. He ruined it."

Naruto's hand closed around his wrist, warm and startlingly real. Suddenly Sasuke couldn't understand how he'd let himself believe a single moment before now had been real at all. Looking at Naruto now felt agonizing, too real to be anything but. 

"Sasuke." Naruto leaned in half a step closer. His smile was gone again, and there was a quiet desperation in his voice now, heavy with a sadness Sasuke knew he only had himself to blame for. "I can't say anything to fix this, but please, just come back with me." Something in his expression broke apart. "You look so tired."

The moment the last word left his mouth Naruto's eyes went damp, and Sasuke watched as he tried to blink it away, hardly able to believe Naruto still had tears inside left for him. There had already been so many, and Sasuke couldn't pretend to believe that he'd seen them all. It felt like the impossible depth of Naruto's feelings was all he could see for a moment and Sasuke was reaching out before he could think, his hand not still held at the wrist in Naruto's grip just barely touching Naruto cheek, thumb brushing his lower eyelid as gently as Sasuke knew how to touch anyone.

Naruto whispered his name and Sasuke's blood felt like it was on fire, the next breath he took like a cold wind that left him shivering inside, undeniably wanting. "You look tired too."

"Yeah." Naruto let out a weak laugh. "I really didn't want to lose track of you again."

Sasuke was right back to living in the dirt, letting his hand fall back down to his side, clenching his jaw so hard his teeth felt bruised. That raw feeling inside of him felt vile now, an aching unease that was too loud to be ignored anymore. "You know you have this to look forward to too. Whatever you think you're finally going to find by bringing me back isn't there Naruto, there's nothing for you to find."

Naruto squeezed his wrist again, moving down until his thumb was rubbing the palm of Sasuke's hand. "I've only ever been looking for you."

It took everything Sasuke had not to let his face crumble. 

"Oh, right," Naruto said out of nowhere, his eyes going wide before he was gone in a cloud of smoke. 

Sasuke blinked, trying to get his racing heart to believe what his mind was telling him. A clone then. That had been a clone. A clone meant this was real. A clone meant that right now all of this was coming over Naruto. Sasuke's face burned for every reason that it could, shame and embarrassment and desperate pathetic longing. Sasuke kicked the dirt with too much force, coughing on the dust in the air like a complete fool.

Sasuke wasn't sure how long he stood there, watching the dust turn back into the dirt, but it was apparently too long. He was half a moment from breaking into a run when Sasuke felt it, and by then it was already too late, Naruto moving so quickly he was already there by the time Sasuke could finish having the thought. He must not have been that far away at all. 

Sasuke let himself take in the sight of Naruto wind swept and panting for a moment before he turned and broke out into a full run. 

Naruto yelled his name, an echo of so many countless times before but somehow still all it's own. Sasuke knew that he had passed tired and was quickly reaching exhaustion, but it still felt like Naruto reached him too quickly. Then again, Sasuke was probably only as surprised by Naruto reaching him as he was because he was so completely drained. When he finally couldn't fight anymore Sasuke ended up on his back on the ground with Naruto braced above him, Sasuke's wrists in each hand and held to the ground next to his head.

Sasuke pushed back just the smallest bit, all the strength it felt like he had left to give, just to feel Naruto hold him down and keep him there.

"What," Naruto panted, pulling Sasuke's eyes from his mouth to his chest and back again, "I get to chase you because you knew it was actually me? Seriously?"

Sasuke felt too tired to talk and just raised an eyebrow instead. 

Naruto's breath slowly evening back out, the red leaving his face. "Are you gonna run again if I let go?"

"What do you think?" 

Naruto looked at him for a beat before he loosened his grip, letting go of Sasuke's wrists all together in the moment after. Still, neither of them moved. "That's what I think."

Naruto started to pull back and Sasuke surprised them both by reaching up, grabbing hold of Naruto's jacket and keeping him there. "Wait."

"What?" Naruto asked in a slightly more strained voice then before, close enough for Sasuke to see the way he swallowed after. 

"If I'm going to come back–" Sasuke broke off when Naruto sucked in a sharp breath, and then it looked like he wasn't breathing at all anymore.

"What?" Naruto asked again, the word a half spoken thing that hung heavy in the air between them.

Sasuke forced himself to hold Naruto's eye, his knuckles aching he was clinging to Naruto's jacket so tightly. Saying anything at all felt completely impossible. 

"Sasuke." Naruto's eyes looked endless, like they'd never stopped running, like even at a stand still he was stuck in a looping chase that had no start or finish. "Just tell me, whatever it is. Just say it so we can go home." 

The idea that anything could be so simple now felt impossible. Sasuke was so desperately tired of waiting and never having a single thing to show for it. "Are we really not going to talk about it? Is that your answer then? Nothing?"

Naruto's expression opened up. "Oh." 

Sasuke forced himself to wait, knowing if there had ever been a moment in his life that he needed patients it was this one. It couldn't matter that there was a scream building up in the back of his throat that felt like it would shake him apart if he let it escape. 

He had half a moment to take in the new focus behind Naruto's eyes before he was too close for Sasuke to see, nothing but a warm color and a hot wash of air over his mouth. And then he was being kissed. For a fleeting moment the world was bliss, the sweet relief of a fire after years of nothing but the cold. Then Sasuke felt run through, the reality of what this would mean crashing down against him and sending a wash of terror through him too big to ignore.

Sasuke pulled back roughly, moving both his hands to press against Naruto's chest. "You have to mean it, you can't do this just because you know it's what I want." Sasuke heard how desperate his voice was and couldn't care, felt how wide and revealing his eyes were and did nothing to try and hold himself back. "I'll never forgive you." 

Naruto had pulled back just enough for them to look at each other and Sasuke couldn't understand why Naruto looked the way he did, like he was seeing something precious for the very first time, like he was in the midst of a once in a lifetime moment that he wanted to hold onto for as long as he could. When he finally spoke his voice was no more than a whisper, eyes shining against the light of the moon that had just begun to show over the trees. "You love me, don't you?" 

Sasuke couldn't breathe. "I didn't–" 

But Naruto was already kissing him again, and Sasuke just fell into it, finally and all at once, the one thing he knew how to want now, the only want he'd ever had that left him feeling this way. Naruto's mouth was moving too hard against his own but Sasuke couldn't care, lips burning and only wanting more. He was so desperate to feel good, the idea that he actually could was too tempting to push aside, even if it was only for a moment. The idea that he could make Naruto feel that good too was something else all together.

Sasuke let his mouth fall open, finally letting out the rough gasp that had been building up in his chest out into Naruto's waiting mouth, moving a hand to Naruto's jaw. Naruto bit his lower lip and Sasuke moved his hand back into Naruto's hair and pulled, wanting to curl around the sound Naruto let out when he did. Sasuke sucked at whatever bit of Naruto's mouth he could reach as he pulled on his hair again, shivering when Naruto moaned for the first time. 

"I couldn't stop thinking about this." Naruto dragged the words along Sasuke's jaw, stopped to suck just below his ear, lips grazing it when he spoke again. "I hated myself for not kissing you back before."

Sasuke forced himself to take in a trembling breath. "Why didn't you?"

Naruto pulled away just enough for them to look at each other. His lips were red and kiss stained, face flushed, eyes so blue Sasuke already felt like he was drowning. Naruto's grin turned sheepish for a moment. "You surprised me." Then his voice went as soft as his smile. "I thought I was dreaming, walking in and finding you like that."

Sasuke's heart felt out of his control, like at any moment it would beat it way out of his chest entirely. "I know the feeling." 

Naruto's eyes were moving constantly over his face, like he still couldn't believe Sasuke was real even when they were together like this, sharing the same air and practically holding each other. "So." Naruto smiled again but it was a nervous thing, and his eyes gave everything away. "Are you coming back with me?"

Going back to the village meant finally facing everything he'd done these past few years, everyone he'd hurt, all the endless things he'd run away from. Sasuke had no idea what to expect from any of it, but Naruto wanted him there.

Naruto actually wanted him. 

Sasuke felt his eyes go soft, nodding his head when he felt the way his throat was burning.

The smile Naruto gave him was completely blinding, singular, like nothing Sasuke had ever seen before. He could hardly believe he could really make someone so happy. Then Naruto leaned back down to kiss him again and Sasuke was left wondering the same thing, if the secret to being happy had really been there all this time, chasing after him and begging him just to stay. 

Sasuke finally wanted that too. He wanted to stay with Naruto for as long as they both could bear it, and then still refuse to ever let him go. 

*

"Sorry it's so–well you know." Naruto waved vaguely at the clutter around his room, the shirt hung on the back of his chair, the old ramen cup on the counter. It hardly looked any different from the last time Sasuke had been there. Naruto had probably hardly been there either. 

Sasuke didn't bother to respond and just walked over to Naruto's bed, too tired to care as he sat down and then let himself fall over onto his side. Naruto's pillow felt too soft beneath his head but Sasuke couldn't bother to reach up and fix it. Naruto had stopped moving completely for a moment just to watch him, and Sasuke just let himself look back. It seemed ridiculous now to care about what he looked like around Naruto when Naruto had already seen so many awful shades of who Sasuke could be.

"Aren't you tired?" Sasuke asked before he could think better of it, wondering if Naruto even realized just what he looked like right now. Sasuke couldn't remember ever feeling so wanted before, or maybe it was just that he'd never wanted to be wanted this much before. It was almost enough to distract him from the gnawing emptiness inside of him, the only one left to feel it. Sasuke was the only one left.

He was the very last.

Naruto walked over but instead of getting on the bed he crouched down next to the edge right in front of Sasuke, reaching out and just barely touching his hair, brushing it back out of his face. "I'm gonna take a shower first, but you can go to sleep." Naruto's hand moved to Sasuke's face, thumb moving in a hardly there touch beneath Sasuke's eye. "I feel like you probably need a solid twelve hours of it."

Sasuke didn't have the heart to tell Naruto he hadn't slept that long at one time since he was much younger than twelve himself. It felt like there was too much he needed to say, and the idea of finding the words for any of it felt impossible. He did something with his expression, hoping Naruto would understand what it meant when even he wasn't sure. 

Naruto leaned forward and kissed him, just long enough for Sasuke to start to part his lips before Naruto pulled back. His hand moved from Sasuke's face back down to his side, giving Sasuke a quick but overwhelming smile before standing up and walking to the bathroom. He flicked off the light when he left, leaving Sasuke in the dark but for the line of light from beneath the bathroom door. After a beat the sound of running water filled the air. 

Sasuke watched the line of soft yellow light coming from the bottom of the door, trying not to think of a thing at all.

*

He didn't remember closing his eyes but Sasuke suddenly found himself opening them, the room dim and the sound of slow even breath coming from behind him. Sasuke turned over as carefully as he knew how, knowing what would be waiting for him but still knocked over inside by the sight all the same. Naruto's face was slack with sleep, his mouth slightly parted. He had a tan line across his forehead, a stripe of skin usually covered that was just slightly paler than the rest of his face.

Sasuke felt all the years lost between them like an ache beneath his ribs, raw and unavoidable. He knew it was foolish to think he would be able to fall back into place like nothing had happened, but fitting back in here at all felt impossible. Even though he'd come back Sasuke really didn't know why beyond the person right next to him. 

But was that really enough? Hadn't life just shown him what a mistake it was to hang every hope he had on one person alone?

Naruto shifted, a soft almost content noise falling out of him. He was close enough now for Sasuke to feel each breath he took, undeniably alive, unavoidably real, completely unbelievable as always. It shouldn't have been a surprise since he'd felt a breath away from it from the moment he'd pulled open his eyes, but Sasuke still felt distantly shocked when he next blinked and tears started to fall from his eyes. With each blink there were more, until his eyes ached and his pillow was damp against his cheek. 

Sasuke had no idea what he was doing, and he understood even less why Naruto wanted him there, close like this, like they had any real hope of lasting together. Sasuke knew exactly why he loved Naruto, but beyond a sense of obligation the idea that Naruto could really feel the same about him felt impossible, even just the idea of it bigger than any feeling Sasuke deserved. All Sasuke ever did was hurt himself and everyone else around him, everyone who bothered to try and stay, who ignored everything and refused to stop caring for him. He was the man who'd killed the last family he had left, the man who had done nothing but fight and run from the only person he'd ever wanted for himself.

Wouldn't he just hurt Naruto if he remained? 

Forgetting to move softly Sasuke rolled away and sat up, letting his feet move to the floor but not standing up from the bed, suddenly unsure why he'd moved at all. It wasn't like he was leaving, it was just that the idea of actually staying suddenly felt just as impossible. There was no way this could work. There was no way he wouldn't ruin it all. 

Naruto hadn't really been around him in years, but Sasuke had never been able to escape himself for a moment. He knew better than anyone how unbearable it could be. There was no way this could last.

They really didn't stand a chance at all.

Sasuke tensed his legs but couldn't seem to bring himself to stand, moving his hands to his knees not knowing if he was trying to pull himself up or keep himself in place. Sasuke had always felt he had a clear view into what the rest of his life would be, but suddenly it seemed to be nothing but an endless heavy fog. It was terrifying in a way nothing else has ever been, and Sasuke didn't know what that said about him either. 

He knew he just needed to sleep, but Sasuke could tell just from the years and years of it evading him that sleep was a far off thing for him again. Sasuke forced his hands to relax, trying to keep his breath even. A sudden chill came over him and Sasuke shivered for a moment before he stopped himself, the feeling leaving him again just as quickly. Sighing Sasuke moved his elbows to his knees and dropped his face down into his hands, rubbing at his closed eyes until dots danced across his vision. 

A hand touched him, low on the right side of his back as Naruto said his name, voice still rough with sleep. Sasuke shivered again before he looked behind him, only enough to see the shape of Naruto, but somehow it was still too much. The moonlight coming in the window behind them caught all of Naruto's edges, highlighting part of him Sasuke had never even thought to look at before. Sasuke turned forward into the dark again, shaken and exhausted. 

Naruto's hand moved up his spine and then down again, starting a slow pattern. Sasuke kept waiting for him to say something but Naruto stayed quite behind him, only his light constant touch reminding Sasuke that he was there, that they were actually together. Sasuke took in a long heavy breath, eyes burning on the exhale. Naruto's touch finally changed, the whole of his hand on Sasuke's back now. Naruto ran it up between Sasuke's shoulder blades before squeezing his neck, forcing Sasuke to relax. 

For a long moment Sasuke tried to do exactly that, but there was still a scratching at the back of his mind that wouldn't go away, an unavoidable thought repeating again and again that refused to leave him. 

"Why do…" 

Naruto's hand squeezed tighter for a moment before relaxing it again, making a quite questioning sound.

Sasuke shook his head, not even sure if Naruto could see him or not. But then Naruto shifted, his chest pressed along Sasuke's back all at once as he rested his chin on Sasuke's shoulder. One of his hands found Sasuke's and rested over it but his other arm wrapped around Sasuke's middle, fingers warm and spread out over his stomach. "Sasuke." 

Sasuke didn't pull away, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything either. Somehow Naruto still read a response in it.

"At least lay back down. It's making me cold just looking at you."

Sasuke just barely shook his head. Naruto sighed along his neck before pulling back, moving so that he sat next to Sasuke on the edge of the bed. It took a moment for Sasuke to bring himself to even look over, knowing Naruto's smile would hurt more than help right now. But Naruto wasn't smiling and all at once Sasuke felt worse than dirt. "I'm glad it was you that found me." Sasuke sighed, looking down at the floor. "No one else would have."

"It wasn't only me looking, I just happened to find you first."

Sasuke shook his head, glancing at Naruto again, wishing he knew how to ask for anything. He didn't know if Naruto actually believed it was just a coincidence, but Sasuke knew that it wasn't. Naruto's will was bigger than anything as small as happenstance. It felt like Naruto would even pull him back from death, from nothingness, from every unseen obstacle that stood in their way. 

Naruto was unshakable, so maybe it was okay for Sasuke to feel this unsteady now. 

Sasuke was struck all at once by everything Naruto had done, each sacrifice, the ones Sasuke knew of and the countless others that he knew he never would. All of them for him. All of them just because Naruto refused to give up. "You were right." 

Naruto's voice was soft. "About what?"

"About me." Even knowing that they both knew the truth, the idea of actually putting it to words felt impossible. 

But Naruto didn't push Sasuke to continue, and when he spoke his voice was easy and kind. "I don't think you've ever told me I was right before." 

Sasuke turned, eyes lingering on the small smile on Naruto's face, a smile that he knew he was the reason for. Maybe this wasn't completely impossible. Maybe things had only felt that way to him for so long because Sasuke had never tried to believe anything could change, clinging to the belief that they couldn't just to keep putting one foot in front of the other each day. But Sasuke didn't want to do that anymore. 

He wasn't sure if he'd ever truly surprised himself before now, but as Sasuke started to say the words he realized that he had. "I should have." He felt his expression go weak. "I can't stop thinking about how different everything would have been, if I'd listened to you even one time." 

"I don't think we'd be us if you had."

"What do you mean?"

Naruto shrugged, his dimly lit expression going contemplative for a moment before shifting into something else, worry mixed with something else Sasuke couldn't define. "I just–I don't know."

"Naruto," Sasuke said softly, reaching out for Naruto's hand even though he felt strangled by his own nerves.

"If you'd never left, I don't know if we would have made it here." Naruto's thumb was moving slowly along the side of Sasuke's hand. "I didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much, that I could need someone that much until you weren't there." Naruto's voice dropped down even more, until it was hardly half of a whisper when he was done. "I don't think you would have ever forgiven yourself if you'd stayed, and I think you would have hated me just as much." 

Sasuke was half a breath from arguing before he stopped himself, the truth of the past and the way he used to feel when he looked at Naruto unavoidable. But the past was over. Sasuke had to learn how to leave it there. "I never hated you, not really."

"Never?" Naruto said it like it was half a joke, like they both already knew the truth and it wasn't what Sasuke had just said. "I can think of at least a few times that I know you must have hated me."

Sasuke had spent the last few days coming to realize that he'd never truly hated anyone but himself, he just knew he couldn't say those words to Naruto now. But he couldn't let this go either. Stealing himself against his pointless nerves Sasuke leaned forward and closed the distance between them. He missed, kissing the corner for Naruto's mouth before pulling back slightly, face burning. "Never."

"Okay," Naruto said softly, still so close that their lips brushed, "Never then."

Those words he could never dream of saying again were screaming out from inside of him but Sasuke knew they wouldn't come, not when even just the thought of them felt so completely impossible. "Never," Sasuke just said again, willing Naruto to understand what he feared he would never be able to express again.

*

Sasuke's parents had never been very affectionate with each in front of him when he'd been young, and looking back on it now Sasuke suspected that they probably hadn't been in private either. No one in the clan had been very expressive in that way, Itachi's open affection with him was the only real glimpse of it Sasuke had ever had. All of it was useless to him now, a touchstone to an empty well that he didn't know how to drink from anymore without his stomach turning over. 

Even knowing that most people would still call him young Sasuke felt as old as time, and the idea of trying to figure out how to care about someone now felt impossible. 

In the weeks since he'd come back to the village Sasuke had braced himself time and time again for the moment it would all finally fall apart again, for the village to realize that he actually couldn't stay, that he couldn't be trusted, that all of this had just been one mistake piling on top of another, but the moment never came. People were already back to speaking to him like nothing had ever happened, like Sasuke had never even left the village to begin with. Sasuke had been completely unprepared for how lost coming back here would make him feel, underdeveloped and soft, like he'd lost somehow. 

Watching everyone smile at Naruto beside him day after day made Sasuke feel like he was so far behind now he had no hope of ever catching up again. 

The only time Sasuke even felt comfortable looking at Naruto anymore was like this, alone in the dark, secure in the knowledge that Naruto couldn't see him. Every night Sasuke looked at Naruto sleeping beside him and was hardly able to believe that he was still there, left wondering if the feeling that filled him up inside whenever Naruto was beside him would ever go away.

Naruto was obnoxiously present, real and loud and brash. Sasuke had already lost count of the amount of times he'd walked out of the room after hearing something so stupid from Naruto he couldn't stand to stay near him for a moment longer. But the moment always ended, and somehow against all logic and reason they both ended up back here each day, together at their most vulnerable. More than anything else Sasuke had been waiting for this to fall apart, to break down at the seams, to even just show the slightest bit of strain but there was nothing; Naruto just kept smiling at him day after day like Sasuke was his own personal miracle, a sight he would never turn away from first.

Sasuke was slowly trying to accept that he was just the same now, in all the ways he knew how to be, as much as he could figure out how to show. It all felt so lacking, so horribly underwhelming next to everything Naruto had done for him. Sasuke knew what a mess he was, lost in grief and regret and anger that no longer had anywhere to go, but he knew that he made Naruto happy. Just by him being there again Naruto seemed to be happier than Sasuke could ever remember seeing him.

Naruto's happiness would never be worthless. Most days Sasuke felt like it was the furthest thing from.

"Naruto," Sasuke said softly, reaching out to touch his shoulder when that wasn't enough, "Naruto, wake up."

After a beat Naruto's eyes opened, confusion that quickly turned to something soft and fond looking out at him. "Sasuke." 

Naruto had probably said his name more than anyone else ever had.

"What is it?"

But suddenly Sasuke wasn't sure what it was, why he'd woken Naruto at all, and his uncertainty pushed him to speak before he was ready. "I just wanted to make sure."

"To make sure what?"

"That you were really still here."

It was a completely nonsensical thing to say, pointless and embarrassing with Naruto right by his side, but Naruto didn't look at him like it was. Naruto's expression flickered before settling on something fragile, his hand reaching out to take hold of Sasuke's on his shoulder, bringing them both down to lay on the bed between them. His thumb was moving back and forth over Sasuke's hand, eyes too warm for someone who had just been woken up in the middle of the night. 

Naruto smiled as his eyes drifted shut again. "You know I'm impossible to get rid of."

This moment wasn't anything really, just a small blink of time between them like so many others that had come before, but for the first time Sasuke couldn't ignore that it wouldn't be the last. Looking at Naruto now, hand in hand in the same bed, their bed, it felt completely impossible for the first time to see a future without him in it. Naruto's refusal to ever leave his life had always been something Sasuke had pushed to the furthest corner of his mind, but just like all his other thoughts of Naruto now it was at the forefront of his mind. 

Maybe it was okay for him to be lost now. Naruto would never lose sight of him, even if Sasuke was so far gone he couldn't remember his own voice. Naruto would find him blind in the dark, without feet to move or a voice to reach out with. Naruto was the only thing that reached him, through all the endless death and blood and pointless blurring violence, Naruto's hand was always there, ready to grab him and hold him up.

Sasuke squeezed Naruto's hand, swallowing against his burning throat. "You were right about me."

Naruto just made a low questioning noise, not bothering to open his eyes again.

Sasuke felt it so much he ached all over, the feeling bigger than all his fears, his cracking shell of self worth, his endless looping thoughts that screamed out again and again that he would only ruin this too. "About how I feel."

Naruto opened his eyes and fear felt as far away and as close as it had ever been. For a long moment Sasuke just looked, trying to ignore his trembling heart. Naruto didn't push him to go on, and he didn't let his eyes fall closed again either. Instead he just leaned in close, giving Sasuke a slow lingering kiss before he pulled back again, still watching Sasuke from half lidded eyes. 

"I know how you feel too," Sasuke heard himself say, suddenly brave like he never was.

The emotion was right there in Naruto's eyes, in the curve of his mouth, in his hand still warm and sure wrapped around Sasuke's. "How's that?"

Sasuke forced himself to take a breath, the pressure of it against his chest brand new like it was the first and last one he would ever take. Even in the almost dark Naruto's eyes were still the brightest thing he'd ever seen. Taking one last shaking breath Sasuke let his eyes fall shut. "The same way I do."

Naruto let out a quiet sound, a breathless laugh full of nerves and relief. 

"Let's go to sleep," Sasuke said before Naruto could say another word, like he wasn't the reason they were both awake and talking now. His face burned hard enough that Sasuke knew there was no way Naruto couldn't see it, even with his eyes in the dark.

"Okay." The bed shifted, Naruto's breath warm over his cheek before he pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. "Night Sasuke."

Sasuke let out a slow breath. "Goodnight."

It was quiet for so long that Sasuke was half asleep, relaxed all over and mind already halfway to somewhere else.

"Sasuke," Naruto whispered, his voice echoing around in the dark.

Sasuke made a low sound, drifting and waiting, but Naruto didn't say another word. After a while they both fell asleep, still hand and hand with half of Sasuke still waiting for what Naruto had to say.

*

Naruto made it five minutes into breakfast before he said it.

Sasuke couldn't say he'd ever imagined hearing _I love you _for the first time after pointing out that someone had rice stuck to their face, but maybe that was the point.__

____

____

He'd never imagined letting himself love someone either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaand we are done, yes they uhauled immediately because of course they did 
> 
> I would absolutely love to hear what you think but I’m not really looking for any sort critique because this ended up borrowing so heavily from my own experiences with lose 
> 
> Me Sasuke  
> 🤝  
> being disasters

**Author's Note:**

> Sasuke “chill what’s chill I’ve never been chill a day in my life” Uchiha


End file.
